I recently returned from a trip to Spain and Portugal. Work-related topics were far from my mind. I wasn’t even thinking in the same language, spending part of my time completely immersed in Spanish and actively avoiding English.
It feels like I live a compartmentalised life. How can learning Spanish relate to the practice of mediation? “No puede,” I thought.
So, I challenged myself to think of some lessons I could take home from my sojourn on the Iberian peninsular.
And if I strain, I can think of at least five.
1. Active Listening:
As a non-native speaker, you must listen more intensely to keep up with the conversation. I’ve noticed that when two or more native speakers are in conversation, very often, several people will be talking at once. This is very common, and nobody has any difficulty keeping up. The conversation flows, and the participants don’t even notice. It’s normal, automatic and semi-conscious. It happens, most commonly, between friends who already know each other well.
Another place you see simultaneous talking is humorous improvisation shows like “Nadie sabe nada” (Nobody Knows Anything). These two guys riff off each other while they both talk at once, at least at times:
Their Spanish-speaking audience can pick up the whole thing.
But it’s at these points, with lots of people talking at once, that, as a non-native speaker, I reach the limits of my capacity. Even watching the Spanish subtitles, I am only getting 50 percent. I need to watch it three or four times before I can understand. And it’s mentally exhausting—there’s an increased cognitive load.
However, in situations of conflict, talking at the same time doesn’t work. This is where people express resentment about other people talking at the same time as them. For example, the now famous example of Kamala Harris in the 2020 Vice Presidential debate with Mike Pence, where she repeatedly had to stop him talking over her:
Similarly, seeking clarification in dispute resolution is important to ensure both parties have the same understanding. Summarising one’s understanding as you go can be an effective way to confirm mutual comprehension. To do this, it is a good idea to put your understanding into different words that you think mean the same thing to enhance the opportunity to pick up a misunderstanding. Sometimes, it’s also a good idea to write down what is said so everyone can see what is proposed.
3. Tolerance of ambiguity: When listening to someone talk another language, you often recognise most of the words but haven’t fully put the meaning together. There are times when just continuing with the flow will solve the problem. So it’s a good idea to go with the flow, act as if you understand it and hope that most of it has sunk in, which it usually has. But even then, stating what has been said in your own words helps to offer a breathing point and a way for the other side to check that you have understood them and, if need be, correct you.
Similarly, patience and persistence are key to working through misunderstandings and reaching a resolution in mediation. A big part of many resolutions is having the patience to allow each side to understand each other more richly.
Spanish idiomatic expressions
4. An idiomatic expression in a language is one where, even if you know the meaning of each word, you don’t know what the expression means. An example in English would be “to have egg on your face”. The words alone don’t tell you that it means an episode of shame or embarrassment.
“La de la vergüenza”
If you know anything about Spain, you’ve probably heard of tapas. People dining together might order several small dishes to share. As people snack, one olive or a single piece of jamon will often remain. The Spanish call this “la de la vergüenza”. It’s an idiomatic expression that only makes sense in this situation. Literally, it means “that of the embarrassment”. It’s really an acknowledgment that everyone is too polite to eat the last piece and would suffer shame if they did. Once their attention has been drawn to it (often by the waiter wanting to clear the plate away), the person to take the last piece may do so with an expectation of embarrassment. Usually, however, no embarrassment is involved because this humorous reference to embarrassment pricks the bubble before it arises.
In the mediation process, “la de la vergüenza” could represent the last disagreement between the parties. When the two sides move closer together, neither party wants to be the one who gives more than the other. It may be where one last detail remains, which requires a gesture of goodwill to overcome the deadlock. Or it may be that neither side wants to move past an undisclosed limit they have set themselves. They may feel wounded pride or feel they have lost. The situation is the opposite of the shared meal, where everyone is too embarrassed to take the last piece. Here, instead, everyone is too proud to concede the last piece. This is the hardest part of the mediation. Emotions like shame, embarrassment, disappointment, or wounded pride don’t simply disappear in a moment. Time is needed for one or both sides to feel the emotions associated with not getting what they had their heart set on. They then need time to conclude that the settlement on the table is the best they will get and still better than the alternative of no agreement. In the case of the last olive, the stakes are low, and humour can help. When the stakes are high, humour may be inappropriate and make matters worse. However, it may help gently allow parties to be aware of their emotions so they can move through them.
5. Caballo grande, ande o no ande
Another Spanish idiomatic expression also relates to pride. “Caballo grande, ande o no ande” translates literally to “big horse, whether it walks or not”. To spell it out more, it’s something like “It’s better to have a big horse than a small one, even if the big horse can’t walk.” Or, “It’s better to have the appearance of being powerful than being weak, even if there is no reality behind it”.
There are several occasions in mediation where appearances seem to matter more than functionality or effectiveness:
- Sometimes, an advocate can want to put on a show for their client, even when they have already put the points in writing
- A big-name advocate or mediator can be highly valued because of their star power rather than their mediation capacity.
- One party might imply that it is disrespectful to disagree with them because of their positional power.
- One side might turn up in suits and ties, while the other is wearing T-shirts and thongs.
Again, in mediation, it can be essential to allow the real issues to be the focus, not the power difference. If parties really want to settle, they may need to be subtly nudged to reduce their projection of power. Part of the mediator’s role can be facilitating an environment where the parties feel more inclined to negotiate and reach an agreement.
Conclusion
So, there we have it. Maybe I’ve stretched the analogies a bit. But it’s one way to think myself back into my mediation practice, without losing the feeling of a holiday.
